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joshin_josh
Jun. 27th, 2005
Feb. 20th, 2005
Feb. 7th, 2005
05:51 pm - WOW
Man was I drunk. I can't believe I wrote that stuff. Man never getting that drunk again. It totally sucked. I don't even remember writing that. I don't remember much from last night....except throwing up. That totally sucked. Not good. Basically to give you the story Ellis and I agreed to take a shot everytime there was a touchdown and a double shot when there was a fumble or interception. Needless to say by half-time we were both gone. Me more than him. I was going to keep talking about last night ,but Ellis just noticed that I double-space after a period and he was like "what are you doing". I told him that you are supposed to double-space after a period and he didn't agree. I asked Aaron and he agreed with Ellis and then I asked Phil and he agreed with me. So what do you guys think? Well thats it for now.
Feb. 6th, 2005
09:34 pm
I m so drunkd..and iam so drunk cause i am am a loser. what more3 truth can come from truth. no gril likes me, i hsve vry li8ttle self-confifnce what girle can likemme,, I'am goi ng tio go to bed. i have taken a sht for each shot .double shot for each fumleble/interception that has acurred. ahd touchdiouvm. I am so depresed. I don't rely wan't to talk. my roomates tell me i am a guy but it is good to eliebe . don't feel that way. i don't feel like that. i am sorry i am drunk my bad.
Feb. 4th, 2005
Dec. 14th, 2004
02:07 am
OK SO I haven't updated in a very long time ,but I will try to fill everyone in on the details.
1) I am moving back into Centreville. I am actually moving into a townhouse on middle creek place. It has 3 bedrooms with a finished walk-out basement. I will get the basement. Isn't that cool.
2)I am now 20. Yep my B-day was on Dec 7. Man I am no longer a teenager. That's just weird.
3) Got a new phone. It isn't that big of deal ,but I like it.
4)On a much darker note I did terrible this semester. This could be the worst I have ever done in school ever. I will most likely fail 2 courses and have to retake English....again. You know what I figured out what my problem is. I am way to easily distracted and I have problems with priorities. I came to this realization tonight and I am making steps to ensure that it doesn't happen again. I guess I just thought I could get by like I always do. Things just come easily to me. The thing is though is that even though I understand the material just fine...it only works if I actually go to class. Its funny that my downfall is what I used to scold other people about. Well I can tell you I learned a lesson and I will not make the same mistake again. I mean my pride can't get too much smaller at this point. I say that because I am forcing myself to take english again with the same teacher. I mean how embarrassing is that when you take the same class three times. I know 3 times. It's bad. Please don't rub it in. I know I am not an idiot though I just lack motivation. I found it though I will get all A's and B's next semester.
5)On a lighter note I would like to know what you guys want for christmas. Now When I say this I mean Ellis, Lauren, Casey, Jessica( don't think she reads this,but you guys can relay the message). Casey I don't know why I listed your name because I remember what you want when you told me like a month ago. By the way I haven't seen you guys ( Casey, Lauren, Jessica) in a long time. Sorry about not calling and seeing what's up. As you can tell by reading this I haven't been on track for some time. It would be really cool to hang some time though. Oh! and Lauren I got your message from a long time ago about some party...when you called from Jessica's phone. I didn't call back because I didn't check my messages until like three days later. In fact I didn't even know you had called. See the reason I got a new cell phone was 1) I renewed my plan and could update my phone and 2)my phones vibrate stopped working and that is pretty much what it is set on all the time. Anyways sorry.
6) Casey when I move in to my new place I am going to try and transfer to your store.
Anyways Peace
Nov. 3rd, 2004
02:14 am - Fucking Politics
I hate fuckin politics man. I mean people start talking shit like they know so fuckin much. Well you wanna know something....you really know shit. I mean I'm cool with people voicing their opinion. Thats's what this country is about, but don't act like you know so much shit just because you read one fuckin newspaper article that was either conservative or liberal. Let me tell you something...the fuckin papers aren't impartial. Do some real fuckin research. Don't spew the shit from the media unless you can back it up with something else. I mean you can look at the congressional records to see which way Kerry voted and what he voted on. You can also see what reforms Bush made and all the other shit he did. All that information is open to the public. So anyways I voted for Bush. You wanna know why. I'll tell you why. Because the best thing (I believe) that Kerry had going for him was that he wasn't Bush. I mean during the debates he really didn't answer the questions that well. He was very vague. Plus the fact that Kerry seemed to me to be a very fickle person. I mean the guy changed his mind way too much. Seriously I am not joking...you can look it up for yourself. Look at what he voted for and comments that he made and then read a comments he made later. His opinion totally changed. Another thing that turned me away from Kerry is the fact that a huge chunk of his campaign involved insulting Bush. I mean I don't care what Bush did wrong...I know what he did wrong. I just want to know what you are going to do. The fact is that in my opinion he just didn't answer that question enough. So I voted for Bush because he actually had some convictions. Even if I didn't agree with all of them I at least respect him because he stands by them. I also liked how he actually answered some of the questions he was asked. I knew what Bush was about and what he planned to do. Kerry was just to fickle for me. So I could go on ,but I tire of politics. If you are going to post a comment please make it respectful because I will not tolerate people disrespecting me because of my opinions. If you don't agree with them its ok. Say that ,but do it in a mature way. If you can't do that then don't post a fuckin comment because nobody is forcing you to read this. If you really want to discuss politics with me then do it over the phone or face to face because I don't feel like getting into a long discussion about politics over lj. Thanks (also thanks Ellis for the advice you gave me)
Oct. 8th, 2004
10:18 pm
Ok so I took about 4 shots off some shit that Ellis (my roomate) gave me. Wow I am tipsey. I mean I'm not drunk ,but really want to be. I miss this fealing. Anyways we are going to play some ESPN Football 2005. I've never played it so I will really suck. Also for those of you who who it applies Rob's parie is going to be next Friday. Not this coming friday but next friday friday. Ok bye.
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drunkAug. 22nd, 2004
02:42 am - Where is God when you need him?
Why is it that I always desire what I can't have. It is always that way for me. Why do I like girls that have no interest in me and why don't I like the girls that do have an interest in me. Is it some cruel fate.....is God trying to teach me something. If he is ...than he knows I can't take much more of this shit. I feel so alone. I may have friends but I want someone who I can tell everything and anything to. Why am I the way I am....am I that undesirable? I am always trying to improve myself....is that not enough. I am a good guy....or at the very least I try to be. Why don't things work out for me? Why can't God just give me a break and make things just a little easier on me? I am just so tired of being alone. My resolve is all ,but gone. At this point in my life I feel no hope....while I may tell others there is have hope I still feel none. I have the this dreadful feeling that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want people commenting about this entry saying I am a good guy and I still have time....this I know. I just want to know why things haven't worked out for me yet? What the fuck is wrong with me? I know I am a better person than some people...I'm not trying to be a jerk...but I am better than some...and yet they are happier than me...there are people who do some fucked up shit in this world and yet they are rewarded with happiness. Some may say they will get whats coming to them in the end when they die...that is if you are religious /believe in heaven and hell, but why should I have to be unhappy during my life....what the point is there in being miserable during our time here. Fuck I don't care if I will be rewarded in the end ....I just want to be happy now. You know it says in the bible that God puts you through trials ,but he doesn't give you more than you can bear. Well god if this is a test/trial I am telling you I can't stand this shit....please stop. Just let me be happy. I mean its not like I haven't been given enough to deal with ...without having to deal with being alone. I mean lets see...I never knew my Dad...which I never really admitted to myself until now that it has really fucked me up...because he just never wanted to be part of my life....then there is my mom who ditched me at the age of 14 and left me with my grandparents until I lived with my aunt. She has always chosen her boyfriends over me and they treat her like shit. That is the thing that has fucked me up the most...thats why I think I have trust issues. I also have seen my mom abused when I was younger...can you imagine how that feels to see someone you love being hurt and know you can't do a damn thing about it. Lets also not forget the time in Florida when I did live with my mom and her asshole boyfriend. That was the worst two years of my life. I was afraid for myself, my mom and my sister because he was an abusive mother fucker...both physically and mentally. Then I move up to Virginia with my awesome aunt...who I am grateful for....and I go to church and try to do the right thing and yet I still struggle with depression and thoughts of suicide. The only reason I never tried to kill myself is because my mom tried first and since feeling those awful feelings of hurt and betrayal I have seen it as a selfish and loathsome act. That however doesn't stop the thoughts from entering my mind. There are others things that have happened in my life that are just as bad. Don't get me wrong I am not asking for pity. I am just trying to make a point. I know some peoples lives are far worse. All I am saying is mine has been bad enough and I just want some good. I just want God to give me a break and make something happen for me. Thats all I am asking. I have tried to make things work for myself....I have put forth the effort. I have tried to change myself for the better. Now I am only asking God for a little help to make things work out for me. I'm not pissed of about what has happened in my life...because it could have been worse. All I am saying is that I could use a little help here. For once I just want something to work out for me....I just want the girl who I like to like me back....is that such a bad thing? Is that such a demanding request? If this happened it would overshadow all the bad things that have happened in my life. Thats all I ask. And just so those of you who read this know.... I am not talking about Ashley.
Aug. 20th, 2004
12:53 am
So I have been working all week and I am dead tired...the only day I have off is tomorrow and I have so much things I have to do. Anyways I guess things are going alright except for the fact that I am freakin out because I have no clue what I wan't to do for the rest of my life and I need to pick a major soon. To top it all off one of my friends seems to be depressed and that worries me. You know I don't know if I have ever told all my friends how great they all are. Maybe it's because I would feel weird or something. Anyways I just want to say how grateful I am for knowing all of you....maybe some of you haven't been told how awesome you are. Every damn one of you is a great person and I am better for knowing you. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for you. I especially want to thank Tim, Terry, Ellis, and Casey. You guys helped me through one of the worst spans of my life...whether it was giving me advice or just listening to me vent you guys will never know how much you helped me. I know most of you guys may have thought I was just down about Ashley...but it was much much more and things could've ended up really bad if it weren't for you guys. So I just wanted you guys to know how great you are and how thankful I am. Also if you guys ever need anything and I mean anything all you need is to ask and I will do my best to help.
P.S. Ellis I swear to god if you ask me for something insignificant/stupid and I say no and you quote what I wrote here I will hurt you/try to hurt you and most likely getting hurt myself because you could kill me. Anyways my point is don't abuse what I just wrote above because I was serious.
Aug. 9th, 2004
12:25 am
So I haven't update my journal in a long time. The main reason being because my computer has been crapping out on me. I just reformatted the hard drive though so everyting is ok now. Lets see.....Ashley is dating my friend Jeremy. Which is fine I guess because I am really over Ashley now. Seriously I am. I know some people might think I'm not , but I really am. It is actually really nice because now I can just be her friend and not be uncomfortable around her when she talks about other guys/Jeremy. Oh I also just got back from Florida. I was visiting my family. I had a good time seeing my grandparents, uncle, and mom. It was for the most part cool. Oh I also got souvineers for everyone (well not everyone, but for most of ya). Anyways I am really bored right now. I feel like I should be doing something ,but I don't have anyone to hang out with. I really want to just hang out with people and talk. I guess I am at this point where I am doing alright ,but I can feel myself on fence...one side is me being happy and the other side is me falling back into depression. I realized that whenever I am happy it is really temporary...I just want a long lasting happiness. Like I said though I am kinda alright at this moment. Anyways I read Casey's journal about the things that she wanted to do before she died and I thought it was cool. I was kinda thinking about things I wanted to do in my life while I was driving back here from Florida. I really want to hike the Appalachian trail, get married/have a family, live in New York/any other major city...damn you Casey for taking all the good things. Anyways those are the things I can think of now...I'm sure I will think of things later. Maybe I will update with them.
Jun. 15th, 2004
01:02 am - Isn't It Ironic
I haven't updated in a long time because I haven't had much to really report ,but now I do. I fuckin hate life. Well not in the depressing sort of way. What I mean to say is I HATE how life can be ironic. Let me clarify. Ashley is a friend of mine who many who read this know alot about her ( atleast alot when it comes to me and her). Everyone pretty much knows that I really like Ashley. Well, Ashley and I have been hanging out alot recently and developing a real friendship and I was cool with that because I thought I had my emotions for her in check. I mean I could deal with just being friends with her. I thought it would be better than nothing. Well we are pretty good friends now and she tells me stuff and vice versa. She talks about guys she likes and stuff like that and I handle it pretty well. I mean it bothers me a little bit but I dealt with it. I was finally beginning to believe that I was sorta getting over her. Then DISASTER struck. We were hanging out tonight and walking back from 7-11 I asked her what was new. She didn't say anything...she just smiled. I knew something was up so I questioned her and she said she wouldn't tell me. After about ten more minutes of nagging her she agreed to answer any question about the subject truthfully. So I began to question and eventually she buckled and told me that she liked one of my friends. WHAT THE FUCK? She asked me if it was ok with me that she liked one of my friends. I said it was. That was a fucking LIE. Not it isn't OK.NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. WHAT THE FUCK....FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. WHY? I couldn't fucking believe it. It is so fucking Ironic to me that the girl that I like will most likely end up liking everyone but ME. I seriously don't think I could handle it if something were to happen between them. I would fuckin freak ( in a non-violent way). There are no words to describe how I feel right now. I don't know if I can continue to be friends with her. I mean maybe I am not being mature about this, but you know what I am only fuckin 19 I can be immature right now. I need some advice. What do you guys think?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
Damn
Apr. 6th, 2004
05:34 am - Famous Quote of the day
Can you name who said this:
"If there's nothing I am willing to die for then I have nothing to live for"
Mar. 19th, 2004
02:04 am - Never Happy?
So Casey told me today that like almost all of my journal entries are of me telling everyone how sad I was. Well today was actually different today was good. I would explain in detail except it would take be forever so I will make a list instead.
1. Think I did well on a math exam today
2. Had good conversations with Casey
3. Casey pointed out the good things in my life
4. Got an A on my History midterm
5. My blank dvd's just came in so I can start burning more dvds
6. Hung out with Rob and Bryan at work (they always cheer me up cause we all joke around and crack jokes on each other)
7. Saw Ashley and I didn't get depressed or even uncomfortable....even talked with her for a little and joked around
8. Invented a new game at work in order to entertain myself at work (cause watching movies doesn't do it anymore)
9. Found my federal tax return check in my math book which I thought I had lost
10. Got paid today
11. work also reissued me another check for the one I lost and it came today ( they said three weeks...it's only been 5 days)
12. Watched Super Troopers
13. Girl at Chinese Restaurant totally digs me
14. Don't have to open in the morning
15. For once in a long while I'm just happy
Mar. 15th, 2004
11:51 pm - Consistant
Just updating because I haven't really written anything in a long time. Nothing has really changed. I feel that I have reached an all time low in my life. I am trying to be positive though by thinking that if I have hit rock bottom there is nowhere else to go, but up. Maybe I haven't reached rock bottom though....what if the only reason I feel like this is because I am just feeling sorry for myself? Something to think about. I feel I should write more, but I am at a loss for words. Well not exactly true. There are some things I could say that I feel deep down inside....some thoughts I could voice. Doing this though would only scare my friends because to them it would be so unlike me to think these things.
Mar. 10th, 2004
12:39 am - Part of Me
So I realize it has been a long time since I updated this thing ,but to tell you the truth nothing has really changed. I am still depressed about many things. Before it was just being lonely and stuff ,but not it seems to be everything depresses me. I saw the passion of the christ and that just made me feel guilty. Many people have said this ,but I am sure the next day they felt fine. Most people are like that. Many people also missed the whole point of the movie. It wasn't to show how fucked up mankind was or to make anyone feel guilty. It was to show people that Jesus Christ died because he loved us and that God let him die because he loved us. He died to give everyone a chance to go to heaven. Also lets be clear on something God didn't make Jesus die or force him...he simply let him. Jesus could have decided not to ,but he didn't and that my friends is the whole point. To know that no matter what someone loves you...thats freakin awesome. Well if you don't believe in Christianity...thats on you ,but I know that its the right way. The only problem with it is that it is just so damn hard to be a real christian. Not these so called "christians" who say one thing and do another. That is so fake. I cannot stand that. Thats why I stopped going to church. I saw myself becoming what I hated. It still hard knowing that I will go to hell. I don't want to hear that I am not either. It takes more than just being a good person in order to go to heaven. Anyone who has read the bible and understood it would know that. I know what the right thing to do is just that ahhhhh it requires so much sacrifice and self-denial ( which is hard for people). I just hope that I am eventually able to do it. So on to the next subject. I am depressed. Maybe I should go to a therapist ,but I have done that before and it didn't really help. I mean all it was was me venting and that person basically telling me what was wrong and what I should do. I'm not fuckin stupid...I know what I need to do. Things aren't that easy though. Like lets take Ashley for instance. Thats this girl I like and have liked for awhile. This girl depresses me. The thing is we used to hang out and stuff and we were friends...oh and we also work at the same place. Well it's hard to describe , but we stopped hanging out and that killed me. I mean I wanted to ask her out ,but then I heard that she said stuff about me ( not like being mean or anything). basically she said I wasn't her type and that she wouldn't go out with me and someone then told me what she said. That crushed any and all spirit i had gathered to ask her out. I guess it was for the best because she got this boyfriend who basically works at the same place as we do. That was when we stopped hanging out. The funny thing was that I would ask her if she would want to hang out and she would give me some lame ass excuse. I'm not stupid so I could tell I was being brushed off. Later a mutual friend told me that she was lying to me about being busy (not shocking) and that she was spending her time with her new boyfriend. He also told me that she said she felt bad about lying to me ,but did it so she would not to hurt my feelings. That's a lie she did it to avoid being uncomfortable. It hurts much more to find out a friend is lying to you than for that person to just tell you the truth straight out. Anyways it wasn't any of my business who she was dating ,but at the very least she could have said she had plans with someone else. Well I knew she had a boyfriend because others had told me and I swore I would be an asshole to this guy ,but you know what? I couldn't be an asshole to him. I guess I just can't be an asshole to people who seem pretty cool ( at least not on purpose). Anyways she eventually broke up with him , but we still haven't hung out together. So I came to the conclusion that she just didn't want to be friends with me. It's funny because even though I wanted to be more than just friends with her I would gladly just take a friendship in order just to be close to her ( that was how I felt at the time). Well it really fucked me up when I realized didn't even want ot be my friend. I mean I began to wonder what was wrong with me. Why wouldn't she want to be friends. I am a good guy , I am reasonably cool, and easy to get along with. Anyways I began to lose sleep not over Ashley ,but also over the concept of Ashley. You know having a girlfriend and all. A companion. Someone you can tell anything to without fear of judgement. Stuff like that. The fact is I still lose sleep over that and it is also one of the reasons I am depressed. My friends then gave me this lecture about how I should tell Ashley how I feel. You know just tell her that I like her. Don't play it off they said ,but don't make it sound to serious otherwise you will freak her out. One of them said I should ask her out because whats the worst that could happen...she says no. I told them I would do neither. They asked me why not and I told them I didn't know. I mean an obvious reason is because it would be uncomfortable because we work together ( that is if I went the just telling her I like her route or if she turned me down if I asked her out). Let's face it though... it is because off fear. One of my friends realized this and called me a coward. He is right. I couldn't argue with him. It really sucks. My other friend says I was holding some kind of hope in my heart that we would eventually get together... he said I should ask her out. If she says yes than cool he saud ,but if she says no at least you know nothing will happen. Well eventually I couldn't take anymore from them and I ended the conversation. Will I act on their advice....No....at least not at this time. If you were to ask me if I thought they were right than yes they were. So why not follow there advice. Simple because of fear and not wanting to feel uncomfortable. So I could go on to more things that depress me, but I will stop because I have already written way to much and bared more about myself then I ever thought I would on this lj. Anyways a whole 2 people really read this thing.
Mar. 1st, 2004
03:32 am - Tired Again...but this time I think I will sleep
Anyways I am super tired ,but I think I will fall asleep this time. I just finished watching Vertigo with my friends Tim. He fell asleep..like he always does when watching movies. Vertigo was fucking awesome, but I didn't understand the ending. Lord of the Rings swept the Academy Awards (about time)...i guess the third time is the charm. Anyways life isn't much better ,but atleast I think I will get some sleep.
Feb. 28th, 2004
Feb. 25th, 2004
04:46 am - Blah
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
butttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
can'tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
havvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
workkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
attttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
nine am
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tiredFeb. 19th, 2004
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